She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
