bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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