My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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