so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
