I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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