the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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