Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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