Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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