dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
