i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
