He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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