why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Found your dick twin last night
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
