i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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