I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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