I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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