I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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