Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
