i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
