i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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