Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
