im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
