Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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