Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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