Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
