Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
