I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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