Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
