i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
