I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
