im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just googled if crying burns calories
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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