god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
