so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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