How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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