I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
