i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
