i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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