I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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