Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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