my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
