What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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