I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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