i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
