you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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