My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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