you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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