Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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