dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
