Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
