imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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