get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
