I like my sex mixed with concussions.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
