we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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