i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
